I drop off pee tomorrow. I don’t know what I hope for except for more life. Fortunately I am not in pain, but I do fear that whatever is wrong with me might eventually kill me. I am shaky this morning. I am gradually returning to my former routine of getting up early. I had been sleeping in but for the last few days I find myself getting up earlier.

I even beat Elizabeth this morning. Sometimes when she and Alex visit she has coffee ready. I like that but she taught her last art class last night so won’t be visiting on a regular basis any more. I know that she didn’t want to continue doing this due to the suffocating Jesus stuff that permeates this area and her fellow teachers. I don’t blame her.

My reading has been teaching me how wide spread the influence of bad Calvinism has been in the history of the country much less this little corner of it. It’s bothersome in that I share Elizabeth’s distaste but it’s kind of cool because I do have an understanding of Christianity and it helps me understand the current crazy world I live in.

David seems furious with me for refusing his calls. For my part it reminds me of Friedman’s rope story. But who knows? We all do the best we can. I will reach out to him eventually but it will involve some discussion of his alcohol addiction which is something we have never talked about. Apparently he doesn’t talk about it with his estranged wife Cynthia either. This seems like it might be part of the denial of addiction but I’m admittedly in over my head.

Tomorrow is my scheduled session with my therapist. I guess we’ll have some shit to talk about, eh?

I don’t let my weakness stop my reading. I have a couple books waiting for me at Readers World. Eileen said she would go pick them up for me today but we’ll see. I could do it myself since I think I could muster the will and strength to do it. But Eileen doesn’t mind.

One new biography each on Felix and Fanny Mendelssohn by R. Larry Todd and a book of Emily Dickson’s poetry “As She Preserved them.” Cool.

It’s a good thing I misunderstood about today’s appointment with Oral Surgeon. I called yesterday to ask if I was supposed to fast for it and found out it was only a consultation. Whew. Eileen and I just got back from it and it looks like we can afford both the surgery and an implant.

I took my last antibiotic last night. But today has a been a stressful day. I was on the phone reassuring my daughter-in-law, Cynthia before lunch and have been receiving phone calls from my alcoholic son, David, who is negotiating my ex-wife’s end of life stuff. He calls and asks for advice and I try to “do no harm.” Consequently I am feeling fatigued physically and emotionally, but at least I didn’t have a tooth extraction today.

I really like my oral surgeon, Dr. Houle, she seems very competent and communicates well.

For some reason I have been spending time with Bach at the piano. 2 and three part inventions and suite movements.

I have found a new podcast, A History of Rock Music in 500 Songs.

I just stumbled across it and listened to the latest episode, “146 “Good Vibrations” by the Beach Boys.” I was charmed by the presenter, Andrew Hickey. I think it’s great that he started this podcast with a pretty thorough history of the the theramin. I skipped to episode 143 “Summer in the City” by The Lovin Spoonful. I learned that John Sebastian has the same name as his Dad and they both are, wait for it, classical harmonica virtuousi.

I did see John Sebastian the Lovin’ Spoonful live once. They opened for the Doors. John Sebastian came back on stage to play harmonic with them and was terrible as I remember it. I thought at the time that he got high between sets. I think that now too having heard some phenomenal stuff on this podcast.

Anyway I’m enjoying Hickey’s podcasts and have been learning a lot about music I like not to mention other stuff.

This evening I take my last antibiotic pill. I think they have definitely helped although my symptoms beyond the initial blood in the urine are kind of nebulous. I am feeling a bit stronger.

I am dreading tomorrow’s oral surgery. I finished filling in the pre op form today. What a stupid thing. I keep thinking the medical field will someday take advantage of the tech available and patients would have a centralized source of information about the health and treatment easily accessible by any health provider. Anyway that’s done.

I finished the book of poetry Rhonda gave me. It’s called imago, Dei and was written by Ellizabeth Johnston Ambrose. It wasn’t too bad. I admit that I understand books by broken Christians. Thanks, Rhonda!

Eileen comes home today. I missed her. She has been texting me and that has helped me keep up a bit with what she’s doing.

I woke up this morning with Lullaby of Birdland by George Shearing rattling around in my head. I immediately put in on my phone to listen to as I did my morning routine. I am feeling better I think. My morale has improved although I don’t like not having Eileen around.

Before too long Paper Moon recorded by Nat King Cole supplanted Birdland in my head so I put it on the phone.

I’m beginning to wonder if my illness is being replaced by sheer laziness.

Sarah and I connected and we had a two hour zoom chat. I hung up and David called to check in with me. He sounded a bit more coherent today.

I heard from Eileen that they were heading for Ann Arbor but that Mark wasn’t feeling well so he and Leigh were skipping the meal. I was hoping that Mark and Leigh, or at least Mark would opt for the opera as well as the meal.

I checked out videos from a previous run in New York and thought the music sounded pretty cool. You can hear it in this video.

Laziness is losing and I need to go do some shit.

I recently figured out that I am attracted to difficult books. Not just difficult ones, but they are a category in my chosen reading and have been for long enough that I should have put this together sooner. Today I had trouble laying my hands on Fugitive Poses by Gerald Vizenor.

Nowhere to be found. Eileen left a while ago to drive to Delton. She will spend a couple nights there and return on Monday. We both thought I should continue to lay low until I heal.

Shortly after she left I found Vizenor. Hurray! I think it and Playing Indian fit the the description of a difficult book. At least they are difficult for me.

I have heard from both my brother (Hi Mark) and son today. Mark was concerned about my fatigue. I guess I haven’t made it clear but everyday I continue to feel like I am recovering from something, I’m not sure what. David called out of the blue. He has been worrying about my ex-wife, his Mom, who apparently is in stage 4 pancreatic cancer. I told him I was ill as well. I can’t truly tell if he’s sober or not on the phone, but at least he’s not so drunk as to be unmistakably so.

A bit later Sarah texted me.

So you can see people are definitely thinking of me.

Eileen has been having trouble getting the gas tank open on the Subaru. So I got dressed today and we went out and messed with it. Problem quickly solved. She had mistaken the hood release for the gas tank release.

Well that’s the update from the sick one. Tune in tomorrow for another episode.

I hope I’m feeling better. It’s difficult to tell. I have a lot of body fatigue. In addition I don’t always have the concentration to read and that’s no fun. Just having Eileen around keeps my spirits up. I started Second Founding by Foner today. I don’t think I have read anything by him but any book about slavery and/or African American usually footnotes him. Second Founding seems to be a good place to start in reading him. It’s short. I will want to read more by him.

Despite feeling like crap I have been getting some reading in. Plus when I get too tired I listen to podcasts or the radio.

I am uneasy about whatever’s wrong with me. I hope I haven’t damaged my body too badly with my drinking. I don’t really know what’s going on. If my urine test comes out good next week, my doctor said she would drop it for a while. If not, it’s on to the urologist. I’m not looking forward to that but I would like to know what exactly is wrong with me. I haven’t exercised since peeing blood. I do plan to get back to it if I can.

I finished Playing Indian by Philip J. Deloria. My new copy came in the mail and I transferred my notes on stickies in the library copy to my personal copy. I will be processing this book for a while.

I am still feeling pretty weak. But I did manage to practice piano a bit as well as played three games of boggle with Eileen. We usually play four. But since feeling ill I have only had the energy to play two in row.

It is difficult to tell if my health is improving at all. I have resolved to baby myself in order to help any healing process going on. I am considering skipping the festivities planned for this weekend and letting Eileen drive over to Delton on Saturday night be herself and coming back on Monday.

After Elizabeth and Alex left, Eileen ran errands. She returned Playing Indian to the library. The Readers World had two of the books I requested sitting on the shelves. So she stopped by and picked those up. She picked up my eczema medicine at Meijer. She dropped off the tax info to the people who do our taxes. She came home a happy camper.

Is Old Music Killing New Music? – The Atlantic

It makes me crazy to read articles about music. The orientation of the author and heck the whole dang business and subject seems so foreign to my own understanding of something I love very much. In the case of this article I have been checking out some the music the author talks about. So far nothing has grabbed me very much.

Underscores Makes Music About the Anxiety of Being Alive – The Atlantic

This was a magazine supplement that came with the Sunday NYT on March 13th. I looked it over today and listened to at least one musician mentioned in it. Same response.

Being ill is a lousy way to lose weight and keep your BP low. I’m still shaky today but might be feeling a tad more strong. I’m basically spending the entire day sitting in my chair. I made coffee when I got up. I had an apple while waiting for Eileen to get up. Then when she got up and I ate breakfast with her. We boggled which is our routine but I got fatigued after two games. Usually we ply four.

I sure hope the antibodies I am taking help fix whatever’s gone wrong with my body. As you might expect I haven’t had a martini since Saturday. If I can beat whatever’s wrong with me, giving up martinis is the least of my worries.

I think Eileen is feeling sorry for me because she asked me about the books I wanted to order from Readers World but didn’t. Hey I’ll take pity. I just ordered The Second Founding: How the Civil War and Reconstruction Remade the Constitution  by Eric Foner.

and Mendelssohn: A Life in Music by R. Larry Todd

and Fanny Hensel: the Other Mendelssohn by R. Larry Todd

and Ways of Seeing by John Berger

and Emily Dickinson’s Poems: As She Preserved Them

and Webster’s 1828 American Dictionary of the English Language Paperback.

The Webster’s 1828 is the version that Dickinson owned and comes into play in research about her.

So here I am facing the grim reaper but getting to order books. Plus I don’t feel that bad, just shaky and low on energy. I’ve also stopped daily exercise. Pluses and negatives I guess.

We are planning a weekend trip to see Elizabeth and Fam. At this point, we (Eileen probably) will drive over to Delton on Saturday and spend the night. Go out to eat and see a show. Crash at Elizabeth’s and come back after that. It is possible I will have enough stamina for this. I guess I’ll take it as it comes. I do think I am feeling a little bit better but this might just me being over hopeful. Stay tuned for future adventures.

Went to the Doctor this morning. Eileen drove. I’m still kind of shaky both from whatever’s wrong with me from fasting. They tested my urine. There was scant blood in it but enough white cells that my Doctor ordered an anti-biotic treatment and asked me to come back after that and retest my urine. Then if she’s not happy she will refer me to a urologist. Blood in a man’s urine can indicate many things but the thing Fuentes stressed is that it’s not good and if we can we need to figure out what it is. If the urine is without blood cells at the next test she said we would drop it until my August check up. This is weirdly reassuring.

I do like having Eileen along on these visits. She comes along with me into the patient room and is very helpful.

I guess I didn’t need to fast for this morning’s office visit. Silly me.

I am madly trying to finish Playing Indian by Philip J. Deloria. The book is due to be returned to the library tomorrow. I have also ordered myself a paperback copy which is supposed to arrive this evening. I am finding it very helpful in figuring out stuff about native Americans especially from the point of view of how white Americans have treated and typed them.

After writing yesterday’s blog post I went back and re-read The Zoo Story by Edward Albee. I found the section about all of life can be a bit of narcissistic existence.

(Jerry : speaking to Peter who seems to be hypnotized)

It’s just … it’s just that … (Jerry is abnormally tense now) … it’s just that if you can’t deal with people, you have to make a start somewhere. WITH ANIMALS! (Much faster now, and like a conspirator) Don’t you see? A person has to have some way of dealing with SOMETHING. If not with people … if not with people… SOMETHING. With a bed, with a cockroach, with a mirror… no, that’s too hard, that’s one of the last steps. With a cockroach, with a … with a … with a carpet, a roll of toilet paper …no, not that either … that’s a mirror, too; always check bleeding.

So you can see I misremembered that actual line from the play. But I suspect that David and I talked about this scene as well as others and I remember our conversation more clearly than the line.

What Happened to One of Classical Music’s Most Popular Pieces? – The New York Times

The piece is Franck’s Symphony in D minor. I remember studying this piece in under grad school. I liked it okay. But this article sent me back to the recording plus a study score I have. After listening to this I figured out that it’s no better than Gershwin’s Rhapsody in Blue. Both words have incessant repetition of small musical ideas.

John Waters Is Ready to Defend the Worst People in the World – The New York Times

I admire Waters. Have for a long time.

Saturday I noticed that my urine looked a funny color. It was a deep burgundy. I thought about what I had recently eaten and couldn’t come up with anything that might cause it to look that way. I monitored it for the rest of the day. It reminded me of a quote by Edward Albee. I couldn’t find it on google, but I think it may come from his play, The Zoo Story. It was something about cautioning about pre occupation with self. The mirror is everywhere even in your toilet (check for blood). At the time I read it I wasn’t sure what he meant. Look for traces of blood on your toilet paper? I think I understand it better now.

I have Zoo Story sitting upstairs but I am feeling a bit weak (lazy?) and am not going up to look at it. It’s possible the quote is marked.

I wanted to make bread this morning but I’m too lazy (weak?).

I was talking to Dr Birky about narcissism on Friday at our session. Narcissism is something I think about. I have had a theory that it takes a strong ego to be a maker (musician, poet, writer). Birky suggested that the narcissist seeks people who will reinforce his own warped view of himself.

I’m still thinking on that one.

After a day of looking at my pee I sent my doctor a message through the useless, idiotic, app she and her employers provide. If my urine starts to look red again I am planning to go to a walk in clinic. If not I’ll wait and see what my doctor recommends.

My BP has been low the last two mornings and my weight dropped dramatically on Saturday. Eileen said she noticed that I have been eating less (?).

Having an imagination is no help when you’re sick. I can envision the course of this illness all the way to the funeral. Nice, eh?

In addition I have some pretty stark memories of my Dad’s dwindling physical and mental powers. I have an especially brutal (to me) recollection of finding him alone in a patient room at the hospital after we took him into ER with a concussive fall. He looked bewildered. Not only did he not know where he was, but he may not have know who he was.

Warm fuzzy thoughts. Stay tuned for future fun episodes.

Yesterday, Eileen and I went to the beach and then picked up take out from Margaritas. Then before PBS newshour we watched episodes of “The Reservation Dogs.”

So far I am enjoying it. I especially like the humor in it.

Today my daughter, Elizabeth, and grand daughter, Alex, will visit. That should be nice.

I know I said I would share poetry yesterday but I ended up not doing any blogging.

I am continuing to read Foster’s City Terrace: Field Manual. He does not disappoint. His poems are brutal and beautiful and seem to me to be carefully and exquisitely constructed. Unfortunately I can’t find anything of his to share online.

Two from the new Poetry Magazine.

Personal History by Kareem Tayyar

Dream Journal by Kareem Tayyar

Two from March 14th New Yorker

“Cardiac Flicker,” by Emily Leithauser | The New Yorker

“Verses on the Unknown Soldier,”

I think I may be beginning to feel like my self after changing my life so drastically from church musician to human being. It’s the compulsions that are the tricky part. A good deal of my life has been spent in my version of discipline, mostly around music. Now I don’t feel the need to be disciplined the way I did when I was leading a program and performing weekly. This has had the effect of me examining how I arrived at the point I am with music. One thing that has struck me is how no academic teacher has really mentored me.

Ray Ferguson was the closest I had to a mentor. Though Ray was very helpful giving me a leg up and getting me accepted to Wayne State University, I don’t think he ever lost his picture of me as a sort of primitive, as indeed I was. We had many brutal heart to heart talks for which I remain grateful and Ray seemed to enjoy. One of my mild regrets about his death is that I never was able to show him how much technique I gained the last decade or so on keyboard.

Anyway, I’m not practicing daily any more. Sometimes a day goes by and I don’t play music. It feels odd but right. This is a transitory time of my life. Some of this is diminishing physical capacity especially in my left hand due to the Dupuytren’s Contraction. But recently I have found when I do play piano my abilities are not quite as bad as I picture them. Octaves in my left hand are possible if only at a slower tempo. Playing slower has never bothered me before so I am able to continue to enjoy hands on with music I love.

At the same time my own aesthetic is becoming clearer to me. It’s an aesthetic that is broad in that I generally trust my own gut reaction now more than I have ever been able to in my life. But when I examine other musicians’ approach I find more and more people that seem to share a bit of this. Usually they are much finer musicians than I am but at the same time I am able to share a broader love of music with them even though my technique as a musician is not as honed.

The BBC radio show called Inside Music has fascinated me in this respect. Musicians are called on to DJ an hour and half show and presumably choose the music. Their chat and choices fascinate me. Unfortunately these do not stay available online for long so I can’t just link them in and expect you dear reader to access them for very long.

The first show I heard was hosted by Julie Fowlis and I immediately became excited because her choices and comments were so wonderful. Unfortunately, she turned out to be an exception in that way. I found that I was not only listening to the comments and the music of the musician but detecting their approach to their own musicianship. Usually there were annoying limits to the way they saw what they did as a musician and the music they were sharing. After listening to several of these shows I began to understand both the presenters and my own critiques of them.

I don’t expect BBC necessarily to find many people as passionate, adventurous, and honest as Fowlis. But I was heartened that Elizabeth Llewellyn recently exhibited a wider range in her choices which included Bernstein, Samuel Coleridge-Taylor, Mozart, and two songs which I would think of as pop music.

Quite the thing for stuffy old BBC. Cool. I didn’t go for all of Llewellyn’s choices but it felt like talking about tastes with a musician I respect. Very cool indeed.

Tomorrow, poetry.

Dear Diary,

Sorry to have neglected you recently. But obviously I am filling up my retirement with enough things to keep me busy. I muse on why I keep this blog going and I’m not sure what the reason is. I have been keeping an online presence for many years. I began with all the idealism that I would spark conversation and trade ideas with other people. Well that didn’t turn out to be the case. Then as my family spread itself around the world I saw it as a user friendly way for my family to see how I’m doing without having to actually deal with me.

Now I am mostly motivated to put down my ideas in words because that helps me. But I am working so many different areas right now that I don’t seem to have much time for this. I console myself that I am available if family or friends want to connect with me. But I continue to learn the lesson that “less is more” especially with the passion and intensity of what is circulating around in my pea brain.

The trick of being retired for me is to continually examine my behavior for compulsions left over from pre-retirement. This is not as easy as it sounds. It helps to live with Eileen.

So today is not so much about ideas as to let those of you who are kind enough to check this blog know that I’m still going to keep it up at this point.

I have been burrowing deep into my nonfiction reading. I am learning distressing stuff about America and the people who lived here before the colonial settlers. I am learning distressing stuff about how white people appropriated ceremonial dress and thoughts for their little civic rituals while at the same time spreading genocidal actions against natives. I am learning from native people resiliently living now in this moment and staying connected to a tradition I don’t know enough about. I am learning how vast the history of this side of the world is and how it has been distorted in the stories we tell ourselves about it.

Also continuing to read The 1619 Project and learning more about the hidden history of the connection and repression of people descended from slaves in our country.

In addition I have been learning more about recent history in Russia and following the rape of Ukraine in real time.

This morning after my usual routine of exercising and making coffee for me and tea for Eileen when I sat down to read I found myself reaching for poetry. It’s afternoon and all I have read all day is poetry. It’s not exactly a palliative because I prefer most of my poetry to be disturbing but it helps me see how easy it is to be sucked into examining terrible stuff in our history.

This morning I especially enjoyed reading in Victoria Chang’s book of poems, Obit. My friend Rhonda gave it to me and I have read some in it. This morning it seemed to be exactly what I needed and enticed me to pick up other books of poetry sitting around that I read in occasionally including issues of my subscription of the magazine Poetry.

I have to reiterate here my gratitude for how my life is going and for friends like Rhonda who sent me a very encouraging text recently in which she said she knew I was moving in a different direction these days. Thank you, Rhonda! Life is good.

It seems like a good day to end with a poem.

Peripheral

BY HANNAH EMERSON
Yes I prefer the peripheral
because it limits the vision.

It does focus my attention.
Direct looking just is too

much killing of the moment.
Looking oblique littles

the moment into many
helpful moments.

Moment moment moment
moment keep in the moment.
Source: Poetry (March 2022)

[N.B. This blog was pre-approved by Eileen]

Eileen and I have spent the last couple of days staying calm but a bit frightened. Eileen had her regular mammogram on Monday. She came home unperturbed but a few hours later there was a call with the disconcerting news that she had to return the next day for another try. There was something odd in the first one that required another look and possibly an ultrasound.

Neither of us slept very well that night. But after the next appointment she came home to tell me that they had found a non malignant cyst. No action needed.

So while war rages in Ukraine, Eileen and I were very grateful that we had dodged that particular bullet. Eileen confessed to me later that what she had dreaded was not so much a cancer diagnosis but the eventual treatment which is often as bad if not worse than the disease.

I finished Gessen’s The Man Without a Face: The Unlikely Rise of Vladimir Putin a few minutes ago. I wanted to read it as quickly as possible during the Russian invasion of Ukraine. I am already of a fan of Gessen’s work and am planning next to read her book, The Future is History: How Totalitarianism Reclaimed Russia. It’s sitting on my shelves.

Eileen signed up for a online three day weaving workshop. I think it has helped distract her a bit.

The Biden Administration Killed America’s Collective Pandemic Approach

The headline on this article did not blame the Biden Administration for this otherwise I probably wouldn’t have clicked on the link. I find it dumb to keep blaming the president for stuff. But this is a good article.