still alive

I drop off pee tomorrow. I don’t know what I hope for except for more life. Fortunately I am not in pain, but I do fear that whatever is wrong with me might eventually kill me. I am shaky this morning. I am gradually returning to my former routine of getting up early. I had been sleeping in but for the last few days I find myself getting up earlier.

I even beat Elizabeth this morning. Sometimes when she and Alex visit she has coffee ready. I like that but she taught her last art class last night so won’t be visiting on a regular basis any more. I know that she didn’t want to continue doing this due to the suffocating Jesus stuff that permeates this area and her fellow teachers. I don’t blame her.

My reading has been teaching me how wide spread the influence of bad Calvinism has been in the history of the country much less this little corner of it. It’s bothersome in that I share Elizabeth’s distaste but it’s kind of cool because I do have an understanding of Christianity and it helps me understand the current crazy world I live in.

David seems furious with me for refusing his calls. For my part it reminds me of Friedman’s rope story. But who knows? We all do the best we can. I will reach out to him eventually but it will involve some discussion of his alcohol addiction which is something we have never talked about. Apparently he doesn’t talk about it with his estranged wife Cynthia either. This seems like it might be part of the denial of addiction but I’m admittedly in over my head.

Tomorrow is my scheduled session with my therapist. I guess we’ll have some shit to talk about, eh?

I don’t let my weakness stop my reading. I have a couple books waiting for me at Readers World. Eileen said she would go pick them up for me today but we’ll see. I could do it myself since I think I could muster the will and strength to do it. But Eileen doesn’t mind.

One new biography each on Felix and Fanny Mendelssohn by R. Larry Todd and a book of Emily Dickson’s poetry “As She Preserved them.” Cool.

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