So I’m sitting at my son’s dining room table using the local very very weak wifi to write an entry.

Hopefully at some point I will poke around in my son’s computer and see if I can hook up to his wifi, but in the meantime I think this is one of those city wide dealies so thank goodness for that.

Spent yesterday in airports and airplanes with lovely wife. Eileen and I enjoy traveling together. It truly gives us a chance to spend time together.  The seats in the airplane seemed to not be as constricting as I remembered so that was nice. People were a bit grumpy and didn’t tend to smile back at me so much. This made me feel at home since that’s often how people react to me in Holland. 

I read the first 108 pages of David Foster Wallace’s first novel, “The Broom of the System.” Very distracting so that was helpful. Also read the D.H. Lawrence short story, “England my England.” Still thinking about this one. Lawrence is steeped in a sort of odd Christianity. I picked this story because I am planning to go to England next month and am trying to direct my reading a bit that way.

In the middle of the last paragraph my son and I cracked his wireless code and I am now working through his wireless router. Cool beans. Eileen has also connected her Acer to my son’s network. Cool.

So.. England, My England:

The main character, Eggbert had 

“… not been brought up to come to grips with anything, and he thought it would do.”

Uh ho, I related to this. But the guy is obviously a loser. But then so is his wife, Winifred. They form a sort of odd Adam and Eve living in a beautiful idyllic setting bequeathed to them by Winifred’s god-like father.

My grandson is alternating playing Beethoven’s Fur Elise and Joyful joyful on the piano as I write this entry.

I like this quote from D.H.Lawrence about Egbert, Winifred and the concept of money:

“Money became, alas, a word like a firebrand between them, setting them both aflame with anger. But that is because we must talk in symbols.”

 I also really like reading on Mobipocket because it allows all sorts of highlight, bookmarking and notes…..  It fits me quite a bit.  Since I mark up my books: underlining and making a note of the page numbers and write notes in the back. 

I know I’m rambling but that might be nature of being uprooted and off on a vacation.

It was very interesting to have left the dieing body of my own father and read these words about the fathe rin the D. H. Lawrence short story:

Let the psycho-analyst talk about father complex. It is just a word invented. Here was a man who had kept alive the old red flame of fatherhood, fatherhood that had even the right to sacrifice the child to God, like Isaac. Fatherhood that had life-and-death authority over the children: a great natural power. And till his children could be brought under some other great authority as girls; or could arrive at manhood and become themselves centres of the same power, continuing the same male mystery as men; until such time, willy-nilly, Godfrey Marshall would keep his children.

Godfrey Marshall is the father in the story.

Anyway, I think both of the men (Godfrey the father and Eggbert the husband) represent the old England which is left in the dust by the upcoming WWI. Hence the title. 

So we’re off in a bit to see “Monsters vs. Aliens” with the kids. I received a call from the Hospice nurse that my father is continuing to fail physically. They are upping the morphine a bit due to his pain.

These things are so difficult because he could die momentarily or last for days or weeks. I spoke with my brother and we agreed, I think, to continue on our daily routines until Dad actually dies. Then we will reassess Mom’s needs at that moment. Dad will be cremated so I am only concerned that Mom get an opportunity to say goodby to Dad’s body.

I think most of the rest of the family, myself included, can look over our interaction with my Dad and feel a sense of having said goodby without another one. 

Of course if I get back and he is still alive I will visit his body. But I’m pretty sure he is more inside Mom and me than that body.

Anyway, back to trying to get my mind of stuff in Holland (as my lovely daughterinlaw just said). I will blog if I have time. 

Interspersing things that make it more interesting. heh.

  THE OPEN WINDOW BY JUAN GRIS

My netbook is like a little window to the internet… a window to ideas, books, music, reference info, my own writings….. I like this.

It has a been an intense week for me. I would like to be feeling some relief this morning, but basically I’m not feeling much of anything.

In addition to all the church stuff (which was a lot of stuff…. I have people who misbehave regularly around this time of year and of course I seem to always throw myself into my work and performances. ), I have had to watch my extended family deal with the demise of my Dad, the struggles of my mother, and separation from each other.  On the other hand there have been many high points: my delightful adult daughters around at the same time. When I am in a room with them and my wife at the same time it is such a pleasure to be with people I love and I know and  want to converse with me and are interested in ideas.  Despite the usual adults acting like children and actually some misbehaving young people as well this year, I managed to lead my church volunteer choir through some pretty good performances. And I played organ well. The Brahms and the Bach went well. I had one positive comment each on them from two different professional musicians.

My Mom is making some improvement. She took a tumble Saturday night but did not hurt herself.  Dad was slightly alert on Friday and Saturday for visits with the family. After a few weeks of choosing not to see him, Mom has finally gone and spent time with him a couple of times in the past few days. She has also agreed to attend the conference with the people from the Hospice organization tomorrow. I think she has benefitted greatly from the visits from my daughters, sister-in-law and niece. She seems to like having her “living” assisted…. so far so good.

At church on Friday, David Cunningham put out complimentary copies of his book, “Friday, Saturday, Sunday: LIterary Meditations on Suffering, Death, and New Life” with a sign saying something about having written a book on the Triduum. I took one and asked him to sign it which is something I do: check out books by people I actually know and also shamelessly ask writers to sign books.  Even though he sort of misrepresented the content (it’s not about the Triduum which begins on Thursday at sundown), I was pleasant surprised to find an insight in the first few sentences of his preface:

He writes that suffering, death and new life “bring about changes i our lives that are significant and sometimes profound. The ‘new life’ that we eventually come to know on the far side of suffering and death may not always seem better than the old life; but it will always be different–and therefore new.”

I have been thinking about change and also about keeping moving in life so this sort of struck me. I hear “new life” kind of religiously so isolating the idea of “new” away from “better” was helpful to me.

I have been listening to an audio book of “The Portrait of An Artist as a Young Man” by James Joyce to help me fall asleep. I know I have read this book a couple of times but am struck by how much I probably missed in the earlier readings. This sleepless morning I couldn’t take any more of it. Ironically it was too obsessed with Christianity. Once again I called to mind the idea that Joyce the self-banished Irishman and atheist was an “inverted Jesuit.”  Too much churchy stuff for me right now.

So I flipped on Sarah Vowell’s Assasination Vacation. Despite the fact that my reformatted mp3 player persists in its stupidity and inflexibility which results in the mixing trax, I found listening to Vowell soothing and managed to fall asleep after my usual middle of the night waking after drinking alcohol.

So the family visit went splendiforously.

My sister-in-law and niece were here for the day yesterday. Very good to have them here. Daughters arrived on Wednesday. Of course that’s pretty delightful. Dad was actually having a good day yesterday so he was able to sit up and connect with family a bit. Today my Mom finally went to see Dad for the first time in weeks. That seem to go well. I mentioned to her earlier today that we are going to talk to hospice on Tuesday. She was pretty crushed at first but quickly bore up and said she would go to that meeting. 

In between all this I have been having church stuff which has gone very well also. I played the little Brahms chorale prelude on “O Sacred Head”  last night. It went well. The choir has been doing pretty well. I have two services in the morning and am trying to relax right now. 

This is what I call a “no thank you helping” of a blog. So it ends here.

Yesterday I was laying in bed around 6:30 AM and I heard the birds start singing in front of the house. My wife has mentioned them several times and I wondered why I hadn’t heard them earlier mornings. I think the reason was I was already in the kitchen writing my blog by the time they start singing. 

This morning I was laying in bed and waiting for them to start singing.

Edison the cat somehow got out of the bathroom where he spends the night and was banging on our bedroom door.  By the time we had him  dealt with I was totally awake and ready to get up so I did. I looked up at the kitchen clock a few minutes ago. Past 6:30. I wasn’t hearing birds. Went to the front door and stepped outside and sure enough the birds were singing like crazy.

Yesterday they were singing all day. I tried to spot the singers but failed. The trees are leafless but grayish making it hard to see them. I thought I should be able to pinpoint one particularly loud singer whose song I recognized. But I couldn’t be sure I was seeing the right bird. I was a bit self conscious because my neighbors were staring at me. Of course people do that to me in Holland due I guess to my slightly unusual appearance and possibly unusual demeanor for an old guy. At least that’s my guess why they rudely stare at me in the grocery store and on the street. I’m not making this up, by the way.

Messiaen the composer was also an ornithologist.

He notated and utlized the songs of birds in his compositions. You can find bird melodies in his work  as well as Hindu rhythms and other fascinating stuff. I seem to recall him saying something about birds being the best musicians on the planet. I see what he means listening to them recently. His music continues to be on my mind. I interlibrary-loaned a copy of his Pentecost Mass for Organ yesterday. I was also playing through the first movement of his 20 gazes on the infant jesus…. the one about the Father’s love when I decided I should go see Dad yesterday.

I don’t think we are quite on death watch for him yet. But we are meeting with Hospice next Tuesday. 

So everyone (daughters Sarah & Elizabeth) arrived safely last night. Earlier in the day I went over to see Dad. He was surprisingly better than the last time I saw him. He was holding his head was a bit higher and he actually saw me coming. He is obviously getting worse and worse but yesterday I managed to understand several sentences he said. One was “I love you” back to me when i told him I loved him. I sat with him and held his hand for a while. Then took his flat screen tv to Mom.

He hasn’t really used it since we got it for him and now I think since Mom’s room is kind of small it’s the ticket for her. 

Mom seems to be doing okay, not great, but okay. I chatted her up a bit before it was time for her to go to lunch. I asked for a copy of her meds from her nurse and have found some new drugs and changed dosages. I plan to call Kevin the psychiatric nurse and ask about this today.

After seeing Dad I immediately called Eileen to report that he was doing a bit better. She was relieved to hear this because the last time she saw him he wasn’t doing well at all. 

Talked on the phone to Mark the brother and David the son.

The Maundy Thursday service went well last night.

 The choir is challenging to bring to an acceptable sound. The problem is the usual. Changing personell which is nice talk for people’s erratic attendance. Also we added several singers last night from the Youth Choir (including the director).

One adult choir member boycotted the service.

I don’t even understand entirely why. Maybe she objected to having the choir sing in the basement at the combination Agape Meal/Footwashing/Eucharist. Who knows? Anyway she was placidly waiting for the after service rehearsal. People make me crazy sometimes.

Sarah arrived between 9:30 and 10 PM completely frazzled from her trip. After getting off the plane in Chicago she rented a car which took time and energy. She wanted to stop by the restaurant Sultans but couldn’t find it…. more time and energy. Then there was the drive from Chicago to Holland. She stopped and rested she was so beat. But she made it. 

Elizabeth arrived sometime in the middle of the night. 

Today will hopefully be low key as people get a chance to see each other. Then back to church for the Good Friday service.

I tried to coast through yesterday. I managed to get hymns picked out through Pentecost. No mean achievement.  Walked to the church in the afternoon and practiced organ. Then from there I took a long walk to the bank and the college music library.  

I had fun carrying my netbook around with call numbers on the screen looking for stuff.  I think I was hooked in to an unsecured wifi line in the next building because the farther I got from the windows the worse the reception.  I was looking for some music by Messiaen to learn on the organ for Pentecost. Everything I was interested in was checked out. But I’m thinking of at least ordering his Pentecost Mass for Organ to look at. If not this Pentecost, maybe next year. I did check out a book about him (“The Messiaen Companion” edited by Peter Hill) and a copy of his “Meditations sur le mytere de la sainte trinite.”

I came home and talked on the phone to a RN from Boersma cottage about my father.

She asked if we could bring in hospice at this point. I said, of course. Her reasoning was that Dad’s care is all about comfort and that was something the hospice people could help him (and of course the rest of the family) with. So I set up our first appointment with hospice next Tuesday morning. I am hoping my Mom will be in good enough shape to participate in this appointment. If not, Eileen and I will be there.

Speaking of Mom, she called me on her cell phone.

She seems to be settling in at her new place. I was able to tell her we are expecting daughter Elizabeth, daughter Sarah, sister-in-law Leigh and niece Emily tomorrow. She was cheered by this. She sounded as upbeat as someone struggling with depression and withdrawal could sound. She is not staying in her room but is getting out and about the new facility and discovering their beauty shoppe, snack shop, computer and exercise facilities. She told me Monday they had a pool there. Then she figured out it was a pool table.

I had fun putting Shakespeare plays on my netbook via Feedbook.com. This is an amazing site. I am reading the Feedbook version of “War and Peace” and have pulled down all of Proust and most of James Joyce. It’s very cool to have this at my fingertips in my netbook. And all for free, as it should be. 

I spent the rest of the afternoon studying Bach cantata movements for possible use this summer. I am using an index that suggests certain cantatas for certain sundays. I am looking for solo movements with one or two obbligatto instruments and continuo. It is amazing how many of these I have found…. almost one per sunday examined. I am trying to figure out the explicit connection of the texts to the readings. That way I can explain to the boss and she can help me decide which ones to pursue. 

Once again Amazon mp3 downloads are a godsend. Any movement I want to hear I can buy for .99. What a bargain. And of course the scores, translation, and commentary available on this site are a godsend. Information wants to be free and this stuff is. thankyoujesus.

Eileen and I went out for dinner after she got home from work. After that she went over to see Dad. I stayed home and had another martini. Apparently they take Dad’s neck brace off so that he can eat. When Eileen arrived they were having difficulty putting the neck brace back on. So they put him in the recliner all the way back so it would be comfortable for Dad and so she could visit with him. She reports that he was having trouble staying awake but seems happy when he’s awake. She gave him a neck rub.  And sat with him for a while. 

This afternoon I meet with my boss, Jen Adams. We will do last minute check throughs of the upcoming Triduum services. This evening I have pregame at 5:30, Agape meal at 6:00 followed by the Maundy Thursday service. I have a short post service choir rehearsal scheduled.  Somewhere in there Sarah will be arriving from England. Later in the evening Elizabeth from DC. And with Leigh and Emily here for their Friday day trip, it sure will be very nice to have everyone here.

Yesterday was day two of getting my Mom settled in her new living quarters at Maple Woods. I drove her to her shrink appointment. Her shrink, Dr. Zwaanstra is convinced that this move is good one both for Mom and for me.  Of course he wasn’t too appreciative of my observation that his organization’s title “Pine Rest Christian Mental Health Services” contained a contradiction in terms. Heh. Then we stopped off at Meijer’s to pick up soup and sandwiches and went to Mom’s old apartment.

I gave them a copy of the doctor’s note that the dang corporation demands in the case of a broken lease. The manager pressed me to re-consider putting Mom in a one bedroom apartment there. Very helpful. Mom went through her stuff and packed a suitcase of clothes, got her make-up and generally grabbed stuff she wanted in her new room. We also took her little tv, her cd player and her clock. 

Over at her new place, I made sure her tv was working with the cable hook-up. I am planning to take Dad’s huge flat screen tv to Mom’s place as soon as I have time and energy to do so. Dad hasn’t really used it since he got it. 

It is becoming more and more clear that Mom and Dad are in a significant turning point in their lives.

Dad seems to be closer and closer to death.

(Side Note:

here’s a couple of clear paragraphs from an article about the recent death of actress, Estelle Getty from the same disease Dad has:

 

Dementia is a slowly progressive brain disorder characterized by the loss of ability to think, reason and remember. In Lewy body dementia, abnormal round structures — called Lewy bodies — develop in regions of your brain involved in thinking and movement.

Lewy body dementia is rare in that it affects both mind and body — making its “body” reference something of a misnomer. It shares characteristics with both Alzheimer’s disease and Parkinson’s disease. Like Alzheimer’s, it causes confusion. According to the Mayo Clinic, It may also cause distinctive physical signs typical of Parkinson’s — rigid muscles, slowed movement and tremors. Lewy body dementia can also cause hallucinations.

There’s no cure for Lewy body dementia — although some people with this disease benefit from drugs developed for Alzheimer’s disease. Treatment focuses on managing the signs and symptoms.

 

Mom is now living in assisted living and will probably spend the rest of her days in places where people can keep track of her and her meds.

My daughters, Elizabeth and Sarah, are making emergency plans to come see Dad presumably for one last time.

Also to they are coming to support Mom in this new phase of her life. Mom’s sister is apparently talking about visiting from W. Virginia. Dad’s college room-mate whom I know as Uncle Dan is also considering a visit. 

It is interesting to me to see how extended families and strong friendships function in our fragmenting society. We seem to tend to turn away from content and thought. Basic human ties are stressed and dissolved by both people living far from each other and ignoring each other. My choice to help guide the care for my parents for the last few years has been a conscious vote for the idea that people are important and that, for me, family ties call for responsiblity and acts of love and kindness in the face of even bad behavior. I also operate under the strong conviction that each of us is responsible only for own behavior in a given situation. So as friends and family ask me for guidance for their behavior in this time of family crisis, I respond pretty consistently that people need to do what they decide to do.  

I’m pretty clear in my own mind what I think I should do and am pretty much doing it.

Today that means staying away from the whole deal and getting a day of perspective, rest and thought just before the shit hits the fan (the three Holy Days of the Triduum as liturgical Christians call it).  I am going to choose some hymns for Sundays after Easter and continue my detailed study of Bach cantata movements. I am looking hard at the relationship between the content of recommended cantatas and the readings in the Revised Common Lectionary. I am doing this so that if I manage to get a couple of them performed in summer services the connection between high art and the meaning in the services will at least be clear to me. I am sure I will then make this connection explicit to my boss and the community. 

You might notice a couple of small changes in my blog. I have limited the number of entries so that it doesn’t take quite so long to load when my small troup of readers check my blog. I know that pictures slow the loading down so my thinking is that if there are only one or two entries it will load quicker. Also I have added a counter so all you multitudes of readers (sarcasm, dear reader) know how many people have also visited here. 

Instead of a second martini last night, I started reading Connie Willis’s “Bellwether.” Escape reading but intelligent and  readable from the pen of Willis.

Yesterday was long but productive, I think. Got my Mom situated in her new digs at a new local location. After mutiple phone calls arranging this, I drove over to Grand Rapids and picked her up. She seemed a bit less withdrawn and possibly even a bit less depressed. The place she was staying encourages people to take charge of their lives, do group therapy and develop strategies like “if you can’t make it, fake it.” I take this to mean what Mom’s shrink tells her which is don’t wait until you feel like reaching out and doing things to do them.  Several other patients came out and lovingly said good by to Mom. Also friends and family had sent her cards and called her during her stay in the psych ward which I found encouraging.

We arrived at her new place (which is a combination assisted/independent living facility called Resthaven Maple Woods) around noon. Due to a recent bout of flu, all residents were being served meals in their rooms. They immediately ordered lunch for Mom. She waited in her new room and I went off and filled out tons of paper work. In the meantime Mom had thought of a bunch of stuff for me to go get at her old apartment.

So I went and grabbed stuff for her and came back with it in the afternoon.

Mom’s psychiatric nurse, Kevin, was there when I got back. I was trying to get there during his visit. He’s a continuity of care dealy connected to Pine Rest. He interviewed Mom (and me). Explained that he would come once a week for nine weeks, evaluate med effects and report back to Mom’s psychiatrist, answer questions and make recommendations.

He ordered up an evaluation by a physical therapist of Mom’s walking needs (He did this after he spotted her cane, I guess). I really like this stuff. I have Kevin’s number and he said call anytime. Cool beans.

So I worked on all of this right up until around 3 PM. Talked to Mark on the phone and brought him up to speed. Practiced Bach for Sunday.

Around time to meet Eileen for supper I noticed my purse was missing. Oops. So I had to retrace my steps. That was fun. Back to Maple Woods and walk around. Back to Mom’s apartment which is where it was. Oy.

I had Rachmaninoff Vespers on the CD player in the car most of the day (along with a good dose of Randy Newman and soundtracks from Barton Fink and Trainspotting).  Came home and had a martini and watched stupid stupid television. Of course, sine it’s Holy Week in church is out of control as well. One crisis at a time is what I say.

I had a very full day yesterday. I began it cooking. More and more I find cooking a relaxing thing to do.  

Although Palm Sunday is an important feast in the church and I had some stuff on my mind regarding it’s execution, it was still a good thing to make cornbread, blueberry strudel and do some preparation of the sauce and vegetables for the vegetable stroganoff I planned to make after church.

I took my guitar to church so that we could sing hosannas at the blessing of the palms outside.

This went pretty well. The congregation sang. The choirs were a bit tardy getting outside even though I alotted five minutes for them to robe and get out there. Maybe that wasn’t enough. The youth were so late they missed their descant on the Taize hosanna. Interestingly, as we processed people felt we should be singing and spontaneously sang “All Glory Laud and Honor” printed in the bulletin. As I said at the time, “God forbid they should sing.” I wish now that I had attempted having them sing the Taize hosanna as we processed instead of opting out of singing. Next time we’ll sing.

I plopped down at the piano and began playing the hosanna to try to gather the singers in the church. This worked okay, except I had originally planned to use organ and the music for the “All Glory Laud and Honor” was over there. Plus I had forgot to put on my glasses. But it all worked out fine. And the youth did get to join in on the descant in the church.

The anthem (“Crucifixus” from the Bach B minor Mass) went very well. I began the pregame rehearsal with some clever vocaleses aimed at warming up morning voices and also practicing the pure vowels this group needed to sing this piece well. I had a couple of these up my sleeve. One never knows why things go well or poorly but I like to think that the preparation helped. It also helped immensely that I had an accompanist for this one so that I could stand and conduct. 

My Brahms postlude didn’t go that great but you can’t have everything I guess.

I find dealing with so many broken people exhausting. Several of the musicians were quite draining in the way they conducted themselves yesterday to this introvert.

But that is my usual experience of working in church so there you go.

After church, I came home and finished making the vegetable stroganoff. I think it was a mistake to prepare the sauce the way the recipe called for.

Actually I didn’t quite do it the way it called for, since it said to simmer it 30 minutes in a double boiler. Instead I simmered it on a burner covered with one of those old fashioned heat pads that allow you to cook at very low temps. The sour cream/yogurt still curdled. Eileen and I agreed that it would be better if I did it like she makes beef stroganoff and add just sour cream at the last minute. Next time. 

We waited until 3 pm to go see Dad. That way we missed the crazy Christians who come by and conduct Sunday services for the elders. Dad looks pretty bad. He can no longer hold his head up. So he slumps down in the wheel chair and can basically see his belly. Impossible to get eye contact with him which is pretty frustrating. He is obvioiusly failing. The nurse said they were looking into getting a neck brace to help him hold his head up. When they put him in the comfy chair he does put his head back and can then see better. But someone has to be with him every minute if he is in the chair to prevent him from falling. So they can only do that when they have time. She also said that they do get him up and walk him from time to time as well. This was a very tough visit.

When we got home, Mom called wondering what was going to happen to her. I told her the plan and she seemed okay with it. The plan is to pick her up at the psych ward and take her directly to her new digs at Maplewood assisted/independent living. This entails quite a bit of prep on my part this morning but it’s all doable. I have to confirm that they can admit her. Then arrange with the bank to cash a CD to pay for her entrance fee and first month rent there. Confirm with Pinerest that Mom can walk out the door. Then go get her. The goal is to get this all done before noon. We’ll see.

Began this day listening to Bach Cellos suites played by Pablo Casals. They are playing as I sit here and sip my coffee.

Also read in the online edition of the Oxford Book of English Verse. 

 

LENTEN ys come with love to toune,
With blosmen ant with briddes roune,
That al this blisse bryngeth;
Dayes-eyes in this dales,
Notes suete of nyhtegales,
Vch foul song singeth;

from Spring-tide

I’m not sure of the meaning of this early English and it is tricky, but I wonder if the last two lintes meann something like “Notes sweet of nightingales, each bird song sings….” or “Each bird sings like a nightingale in spring….”

Lent means spring in this poem.

This is the original meaning of this word.

So that the Christian Church in English has used the word “spring” to describe that period of time before Easter.

Having a little netbook does enable me some fun access to stuff like online books such as the Oxford Book of Verse not to mention the complete scores of Bach’s cantatas.

New York Times had a fun article about netbooks yesteday. Looks like the price on these things will keep on dropping. Cool beans.

Speaking of Bach Cantatas,  I finished examining the ones cross indexed to this summer’s readings in the Revised Common Lectionary. So I now have 6 or 7 possibilities in mind to invite certain musicians to learn this summer. 

And it looks like I will be the second act of three acts on August 21 at LemonJellos.

The owner once again has given me permission to bring in an accoustic piano for this gig. It looks like this will be a solo gig or at most me and my friend Jordan the sax player. I do wonder about my musical appeal to listeners.

Matt the owner keeps asking me to play. The audiences do respond a bit. But pretty much my entire musical life, it has been difficult to see that I have much appeal beyond people who are rooting for me personally. No matter. I like what I do and that’s the important thing. 

Maybe I’m the token old person on the August gig. Heh.

I’m thinking of cooking this morning before going to church, preparing parts of “Vegetable Stroganoff” that can be reheated and assembled after church.  Also cornbread. Both recipes from Moosewood. 

Spent a lot of time with Beethoven and Brahms at the piano yesterday, after doing my Mom’s bills and grocery shopping. Life goes on.

I had a badly-needed good night’s sleep last night.  Yesterday my brother kept me company for part of the day and bought me lunch. That was good, too. Later he left for Detroit. He is facing his first week of his new priest job which incredibly begins this Palm Sunday.

Before he left, the manager of Resthaven Maplewoods called with the results of the assessment for Mom for acceptance into their facility on Monday. If I understood correctly, they think Mom would be good for independent living there but don’t currently have a bed on that floor. They would like to put her in a room on the supportive living wing, but have her take her meals with the rest of the independent living residents.

The only possible glitch is that Resthaven Maplewoods has had several recent cases of flu. If they have any new cases between now and Monday they will not be (legally?) able to receiving an incoming resident on Monday. But we shall see.

Later in the afternoon, I  cleverly opened multiple windows on my little netbook to research Bach cantata movements for possible use this summer. Interestingly it is easier to use mutliple windows than mutliple reference books.  I am thinking of choosing 3 or 4 movements and then inviting skilled musicians at my church to learn and perform them at specific Sunday Eucharists this summer. This accomplishes several things.

It invites people in the unusually large skilled talent pool at my church to enhance the prayer of their community with their skills. It salves parishioners who suspect I am not utilizing their skills sufficiently in the music program.

And last but not least, it classes up the act a bit in our Eucharists. 

Unfortunately a close examination of specific Bach cantatas recommended for certain Sundays reveals the fact that the texts Bach used in his cantatas was often kind of hokey and even a bit ambiguous. For example, Bach’s librettists personify the “Heart” (alto) in dialogue with “Jesus” (bass)

or “Fear” (sop) discussing life’s little trials with “Hope” (obama). 

That last one wasn’t quite exactly accurate. Just checking to see if you’re reading closely. Heh.

So anyway due to a good night’s sleep I am feeling a bit more prepared for life’s little trials today.

Also a bit of the “grateful to be alive” stuff and “aint it great to sit down and play Beethoven on the piano who cares if we don’t have enough money” stuff. Life is good.

Fridays and Sunday afternoon usually find the introvert in me sort of wrung out. Today is no exception. It may strike you as odd that I think of myself as introverted since blogging like this is so exhibitionist. Heh. But the intervert part is only one part and it is the part that needs solitude and probably a big part of the creator in me. 

Last night after a nice meal at our favorite local Mexican restaurant, Margaritas, (my brother’s treat, thank you again Mark), during my choir rehearsal Mark drove over to see Mom at the psych ward. He reports that she was very interested in the next step of her life and since that was a large part of Mark’s purpose in visiting he seized the opportunity and brought her up to speed with the plan. Apparently it’s not too much of a stretch for her to accept moving directly from the psych ward to a local combination assisted living/independent living facility. That’s good.

At choir last night we worked for forty minutes or so on Sunday’s anthem, “Crucifixus.” The choir was very shakey at first. It was fun to have an accompanist and be able to just stand and sing. On the other hand I was scrambling to help the singers prepare to do a credible job.

We had a new member last night. A local college freshman. She mentioned that she had seen one of my posters in the student union. This is the second year I have put up posters in the fall. I totally felt it was an exercise in futile overfunction. But of course that is such a large part of my life style anyway, so fut the whuck. But if I attracted one more singer with that sort of poster it was well worth it.  I also think the our new member received encouragement from parishioners who are also teachers at the college. Very cool.

The retired English prof in the choir continues to invite us to his home after rehearsal and that is working out quite nicely I think.

I was stressed last night during rehearsal, trying to help the choir be prepared and understand the direction my boss and I are leading the community. For the most part they are willing if not enthusiastic to get on board. The biggest innovation we are doing this year is putting the three services of the Triduum into one bulletin. This always turns into teach moments and last night was no exception. 

The great liturgist and teacher, Marion Hatchett, is apparantly lieing on his deathbed right now. I can’t help but think that what we are doing with Holy Week shows fruition of his efforts (along with many many others) to reform the prayer of liturgical Christians.

So anyway I am assuaging my introvert wounds with homemade biscuits and blueberry jam this morning.  I just took the biscuits out of the oven. Mmm mmm.  Cooking to Takemitsu’s “Rain Coming” this morning. That seems just right.

A funny thing happened yesterday.

No crisis.

Weird. 

It has felt like my life has been a series of unpredictable crises lately. So yesterday was a welcome reprieve. I met with the Sunday accompanist before staff meeting. Staff meeting was more relaxed than usual. After lunch I submitted all the music info for the Holy Week bulletins. This is basically preludes, postludes and choral lyrics. Then I walked over church and practiced organ for a bit. 

Correction from yesterdays blog (god forbid you should use my rantings as a source for accurate info anyway), “Le Verbe” from Messiaen’s Nativity does NOT quote the Pentecost Hymn, Veni Creator. Instead it paraphrases the Easter Sequence chant, Victimae Paschali Laudes. This means it’s not that pertinent to the Pentecost feast. I could still play it because it sounds so mystical. But I probably won’t. I have thought about walking over to the college library and browsing Messiaen’s organ works for a piece to learn for Pentecost. I have a feeling I won’t get to that today.

I was listening to the NPR fund drive.

The local U of M announcers seems to get dumber every year. This year one of them had taped a testimonial that talked about being fascinated with the ongoing media struggle to get consumers to pay for content.

Good grief. 

There’s more to life than transactions, isn’t there?

What about the free exchange of ideas? Not to mention the need and right of every human of access to the parts of life that make it worthwhile (this includes quite a bit of content stuff for me: ideas, music, poetry, novels, other books. 

It seems to me that the information based economy will need to shift away from solely relying on pay per view approaches. And the more people understand that ideas like music and poetry are not objects that one can purchase and own. I always factor into my radical understandings my own ethics that everyone deserves to be remunerated for their efforts or at the least taken care of by the community if they cannot muster a contribution to the common good. 

For me the primary recipients of remuneration should not be people who distribute, but people who produce. But what do I know? I’m just a dang musician and not a rich one by U.S. standards. Of course by any real standard I am rich. 

I decided to play two pieces by Brahms for Holy Week yesterday: Ah Holy Jesus for the postlude on Palm Sunday and O Sacred Head (the shorter of the two he wrote) for the prelude on Good Friday. That wraps up organ music decisions through Easter. 

I have been entertaining (re)learning Messiaen’s “Le Verbe” (The Word) No. 4 of his nine meditations on the Nativity. This tone poem about the mystical relationship between Christ the Word and the Creator God quotes the Pentecost hymn, Veni Creator so it would be a great prelude on Pentecost.

The problem is that I will be in England the two weeks before and unable to practice organ.

So I need to convince myself I can get off a plane the week before and still manage to perform it well.

We’ll see. I have been going over my school score of this piece and remember being able to play it well before. Maybe it won’t be so hard.

On the home front, I was scrambling yesterday to get my parents re-application in the hands of my lawyer who will walk it over to the DHS.  This has entailed numerous phone calls and searches for material to ensure that our case worker at DHS will have everything she needs to make a determination about whether Dad can go on medicaid.

My parents situation in the meantime is radically changing. Dad fell several times this past week so he is now in a wheelchair. His faculties are seeping rapidly  away.  I get over to visit once a week and the change is drastic each time in his ability to recognize what is happening in his surroundings. Very sad.

Yesterday was also a banner day for my Mom’s situation. The psych ward case worker emailed me they were thinking of releasing Mom on Thursday. I immediately called him and discussed the next step in her life. I am convinced it would be easiest and most appropriate to drive her from Pine Rest to her new home at Maplewood Assisted/Independent living facility. I have decided that I must relinquish primary care taking for Mary at this point. She needs more care than I am willing to give. At Maplewood, her meds will be administered by nurses and her depression and withdrawal and general behavior will be under the watchful eye of a psych nurse. 

Making all of this happen is another enourmous complicated task for Steve. Yesterday I not only spoke with her case worker, I spoke with numerous people in the Resthaven organization including the evaluation nurse. The latter will drive over to Pine Rest on Friday and due a written assessment of Mary’s abilities and needs. Then she will recommend whether Mom begins in independent living at Maplewood or supportive care. The independent living is really a room on the first floor of the facility where Mom can sleep and stay. Her meals will be in common with the other people at the facility and she will still closely observed and supported. 

It was also necessary to expedite the technical aspects of this move: chest xray, requests for referrals, paperwork from her doctor.  I did all this yesterday.

If all goes as planned I will drive Mom from the facility in Grand Rapids right to Maplewood on Monday. 

Despite all this stuff, I managed to meet with a conductor and rehearse yesterday, as well as make fancy squash soup (again) and ridiculously easy cheese bread (that’s the actual name of the recipe and it is correctly described, heh).

I bought a small food processor recently because the one I have been using leaks. So I got to use that yesterday. Eileen has not gotten up the courage to taste this soup yet but I think it rocks. Oh yeah, I made her meatloaf so the carnivore is coverd.

I also went over to the local Aquatic center and tried out exercise machines. I think I like the treadmill the best. I did 4 minutes on two ellipitical machines. Whew! Too much for an old fat man like me. Then 32 minutes (with the cool-down or whatever you call it) on a big fancy treadmill. I like the Aquatic center much better than the Evergreen Senior center. Both places have a gymn. Both cost about the same (actually the Municipal Aquatic center is a bit cheaper becaue you don’t have to join and then also pay per use as you do at the Everygreen Center). 

I have decided that the Evergreen Senior Center is very like a Christian High School Activity Center for old white republicans who aren’t that interested in books or a wide variety of music and ideas.

So they have dozens of boring activities and the people are friendly but (forgive me) seem to be kind of superficial and dumb.

This does not include the social services people there who have been immensely helpful to me throughout dealing with my parents in the last few years.

Anyway.

As you can see, burnout and stress doesn’t stop me from babbling.

And practicing. And cooking.  

I have a full day of church stuff today. 

Doesn’t it just figure that my Mom had a crisis smack dab in between my strenuous week of high musical performances and Holy Week? My guru Friedman would observe that systems shift and fight back during these kinds of times. Boy is he right.

Alice Bechdel rocks. Click above to read the whole review. Recommended.

Yesterday was another busy day off.  Steve to the rescue. Yada yada yada.  But good stuff.

I bought a used microwave for 12.50. It seems to work okay. The old one died. 

I also went to practically every local thrift shop looking for a treadmill. John “Brain Rules” Medina has inspired me to emulate my ancestors and evolve while walking.  I emailed someone on craigslist last night who is selling the one above for 50 bucks. That can’t be right. Anyway.

Speaking of Medina, I am liking his ideas quite a bit.

He says for learning to happen we evolved into a database of information and an ability to improvise on that database.  I find that intelligent people I meet often have the ability to improvise…. flexibility… but many times their database seems much different than mine and doesn’t include much of the same stuff. 

“Any learning environment that deals with only the database instincts or only the improvisatory instincts ignores one half of our ability. It is doomed to fail. It makes me think of jazz guitarists: They’re not going to make it if they know a lot about music theory but don’t know how to jam in a live concert. Some schools and workplaces emphasize a stable, rote-learned database. They ignore the improvisatory instincts drilled into us for millions of years. Creativity suffers. Others emphasize creative usage of a database, without installing a fund of knowledge in the first place. They ignore our need to otbtain a deep understanding of a subject, which includes memorizing and storing a richly structured database. You get people who are great improvisers but don’t have depth of knowledge. You may know someone like this where you work. They may look like jazz musicians and have the appearance of jamming but in the end they know nothing. They’r playing intellectual air guitar.”

John Medina, “Brain Rules”

Kind of serendipitious that Medina mentions jazz. I have been studying up on my jazz theory and practicing transposing jazz voicings into all keys. My bud and colleague, Jordan VanHemert has threatened to utilize me this summer in a jazz duo. I want to keep up. Jazz pedagogy is very evolved these days (speaking of evolution). And the resources are splendid. I purchased several a few years back and learned enough to know that I actually am a sort of jazz musician in many ways. But of course there’s always room for improvement and VanHemert is kind a of kick ass jazz sax player. I do not want to be left in the dust. Heh.  But my database could always use some more info and structure. So to speak.

Earlier, Medina observes that evolution handed homo erectus and homo sapien a rapidly changing living environment.

Unlike the other mammals, humans evolved adaptability instead of environment specific physical features like fangs or fur.

How did we succeed so well in our evolutionary task. Medina cites Richard Potts, director of the Human Originas Program at the Smithsonian’s National Museum of History:

“You give up on stability. You don’t try to beat back the changes. You begin not to care about consistency within a given habitat, because such consistency isn’t an option. You adapt to variation itself.

Cool.

Whew! That little marathon of rehearsals, performances and rushing my Mom to the ER and then the psych ward is over. Church music went pretty well yesterday. I managed to use different instruments for each hymn intro (flute, guitar, marimba, organ, piano and combinations thereof). I got the men to blend acceptably on the Richard Farrant anthem, even though the rest of the choir had trouble adapting to my conducting tempo. It was not a bad performance, really. 

After church I made spaghetti for Eileen and me.

Then we hopped in the car to go see Dad at the Nursing Home. As we were getting ready to punch in the security code we looked in through the glass and noticed someone was conducting a prayer service. Ay yi yi! Back in the car and up to the bookstore to buy “Brain Rules: 12 principles for Survicing and Thriving at Work, Home, and School” by John Medina. 

I’m pretty impressed with this book so far. The author is “a developmental molecular biologist focused on the genes involved in human brain devlopment and the genetics of psychiatric disorders,” who can also write clear entertaining prose. I’m seriously considering going looking for a used treadmill today. He points out that the brain evolved in our species when we were walking 12 or more miles a day. So that the brain thrives on an active body. Who knew?

 My Dad threw his hands up in the air and began expostulating about seeing “my Son!” when I bent over to kiss him after the coast had cleared from the religious nuts.

Eileen couldn’t tell if he was laughing or crying. I thought he was doing buy veterinary valium both at once. Dementia is fun. He has fallen three times in the last four or five days. I am going to be signing a release to put him in a wheel chair with possible restraints today. He continues to  deterioate and lose mental faculties but his spirits were pretty high yesterday. He kept trying to slide out of his comfy chair and saying things like “well, let’s get going!”

Eileen and I chatted with daughter Sarah in England daughter Elizabeth in NY/DC via our cool little Acer net books yesterday.

I think all of us were impressed with being alive in the future when you can look at a little screen and chat with people you love miles away. Wow. 

We ended the day laying on the futon watching the first episode of the NBC series, “Kings,” on Hulu.

On a netbook, of course. 

I saw Ian McShane interviewed on Stewart’s Daily Show. I do like the biblical story of David and Solomon quite a bit. This series is based on it. But it sets it in an alternate reality. The capital of the fictional tv country, Gilboa, is a morphed NY called Shiloh. McShane’s character (Solomon in the biblical story) is called Silas. David is David Shepherd and takes out a “Goliath” tank in the first episode. Also instead of a harp he plays piano. Heh. Goofy but fun for me. 

Today I am going to try to relax even as I run a few errands including some leg work for my parents’ application we are re-submitting to medicaid.

S

My Mom phoned me. From the place she is temporarily staying. She wanted me to fax her med sheet to her so she can make sure they are doing her meds right. So I did. She actually sounded much more lucid on the phone than she has in months. So maybe this will do her some good. 

I also made CDs for my choir of all the pieces we are singing for the rest of the year.

For a couple of them I had to include the original pieces from which our anthems are adapted. That would be “Hail, hail, Judea” from Handel’s Judas Maccabeus. We are doing a hokey little SAB adaptation called “Praise the Lord.”

It’s not bad for what it is. Also included on the learning CD was “Dona Nobis Pacem” from Haydn’s Mass No. 6 in G major.

We are doing another adaptation that uses material from this movement. The words are “Lo, My Shepherd is Divine.” They seem to be a reworking of the 23rd Psalm. We will sing it on Good Shepherd Sunday.

This morning we are sing an SAB adaptation of Richard Farrant’s “Call to Rememrance.”

On Palm Sunday we will sing the Crucifixus movement of Bach’s B minor Mass.

The children’s choir director has agreed to play the accompaniment so I can conduct this one. I will play Brahms’s chorale prelude on “Ah Holy Jesus” for the postlude that day.  

I have also scheduled “The Tree of Life” by Ralph Vaughan Williams for the Easter Season (I am the vine Sunday…. tree… vine… close enough).  

That last one is actually quite beautiful. It’s for SA but we will be doing it with ST on the top and AB on the bottom. Lovely stuff really.

Eileen went with me to the last performance of “Guys and Dolls.”

The orchestra was as shakey as it has been for any of the performances. Go figure. These kids play like they’re in high school and still learning. I was relieved to get this out of the way. I enjoy doing it, but with the parent crisis and the immediately upcoming Holy Week (Hell week a priest I knew used to call it) and my own large burnout, it took a lot out of me. But it was fun. And distracting from the rest of the stuff. 

I am burning CDs for the choir while I’m drinking coffee and writing this blog entry. I have ten done. I need to stop before I have more made than people who actually show up. Heh.

Night before last i had interesting dreams.

A small Stephen King like child morphed into a huge set of jaws which morphed into a blue alien Kali god like person. I escaped. In last night’s dream, I was working with musicians. One musician improvised a song that used words by Proust (I was actually listening to Proust’s Swann’s way on my MP3 player to help me sleep). Later I improvised a song that seemed to be called “Aint it pathetic.” Nice.

My Dad fell again yesterday. He hasn’t hurt himself with his recent falls, but I suggested to the nurse that maybe we should consider a wheelchair for him. Eileen and I are planning to go over and look at his bruises today. 

I am really sold on Amazon.com’s MP3 downloads.

Easy to purchase. No DRMs. I bought the Haydn, the Handel and the Ralph Vaughan Williams mentioned above yesterday so I could let the choir listen to them. Of course they are for learning purposes only and I will collect and destroy them when we are done with these anthems. Yepper. Yessirrreeebob. That’s what I’ll do.

This has been a heckuva week for me. The most significant thing that happened was a I helped my mother check herself into a psych ward on Thursday. She has been struggling ever since coming back from her visit to my extended family in California.  Having her in professional hands is a huge relief for me. In the meantime, I have been doing tons of leg work for her stuff. My Dad continues to fail. He was temporarily put on oxygen on Friday. He fell on Thursday but thankfully no broken bones. 

Plus tonight is the last of six evenings of rehearsals and performances of “Guys and Dolls” at Grand Haven High School. I assist the pit orchestra at the piano.

I’m sort of the assistant director. I follow the script closely and fill in missing parts and entrances. This show has really come together better than any I have worked with at Grand Haven High. Not sure why. I know that the choral director has done a pretty phenomonal job at prepping the singers. 

Today I rest so I can get through this evening and tomorrow morning’s church service.

Then Monday I have a ton of leg work to do regarding my parent’s medication application. The lawyer sprang to life on Friday. Bad timing for me but I’ll take it. I was in his office on Friday giving him more papers and discussing the necessary steps to take in the next few days before THIS month ends.

The social security office is still not answering the phone or responding to faxes. This is bad because applicants are under monthly deadlines that have significant implications for their life in retirement. But you know the government: fuck the little people. Typical.

Life’s little trials. Heh.

Slagsmålsklubben – Sponsored by destiny from Tomas Nilsson on Vimeo.

Thanks to the davepaul for pointing me to this.

Read a pretty good sci fi short story yesterday. “Exhalation” by Ted Chiang. You can find it along with other free downloads here.

Here’s a list of power user options for Google’s browser Chrome. I also learned some stuff from Lifehacker’s original first look at Chrome.

I went a little nuts yesterday afternoon and cooked.

I made beer bread.

I used some of the last of last spring’s local wheat flour which is sitting in my freezer. And I throw in Herbes de Provence just to make it a bit tastier. It worked.

Made Curried Squash Mushroom soup.

I took the recipe from the Moosewood cookbook. Here’s a link to the same recipe.

Eileen’s not much for some of my weird vegetarian recipes. So I made her some glazed salmon freshly thawed from the freezer.

She’s not been feeling well and came home with no appetite. But she did manage to eat some of the salmon.

and also some of the brownies I made.

From scratch, natch.

Besides spending time relaxing and cooking, the rest of yesterday went pretty well. I dragged Mom to the tax people to write the check and sign papers (mostly just to get her out of the apartment).

Took her some blueberry muffins. She is making an effort but looks like it is costing her a great deal. I later received a weird follow up phone call from her psychiatrist’s office. They had their wires crossed. The woman read her shrinks official gobbledy gook recommendation to me.  In typical doctorese, he recommended that someone monitor her meds. Which of course I have been doing since she took 5 or 6 remeron in an attempt to sedate herself. He also helpfully mentioned that this would be easily done by asking the people in the assisted living situation to do this. Only she’s not in assisted living. When I told the person on the phone this, her first response was “can you move her to assisted living?” I said, not without talking directly to the shrink, because I think he is confused about his recommendation, eh? Jeeze.

Anyway she goes to her talk shrink today. 

Last night’s rehearsal went pretty well I guess. Only three performances of this to go and then I’m done with it for another year.