paranoid much?


I was surprised at my now annual hearing test yesterday.

I was expecting the audiologist to find hearing loss in my left ear in the last year.  I had a test in 2012 to establish a base line which showed some hearing loss but not quite enough to start talking hearing aids.

But she said I tested out about like last year.


As a musician of course I fear deafness. I have always told myself that I would turn from music to poetry and probably even more visual art as the space in which I spend my life.

But I have added unanticipated fear about how the end of my life will play out financially. It looks like my work at Grace has a good chance of changing this fall. My boss is running for Bishop of this diocese and she has a good chance of winning.

Usually I think about this in terms of my relationship to the vocation of church music. For me church is a sort of bitch goddess. There are many things about church that have been good in my life. And I do enjoy the work of the church musician. But I do not feel strongly that I need to continue doing it.

But it is a significant income addition for Eileen and me. We are on the brink of adding more debt by renovating our house for our old age. Ay yi yi. If Eileen and I both were to lose our job prematurely I wonder how that would work out.

Anyway, these are the paranoid ravings of a tired old guy on Thursday morning who is seeking to stay balanced enough to survive the rest of Holy Week.

Also I’m very glad about the hearing. I have been enjoying listening to the birds on my walk to work. Yesterday I heard the woodpecker again or at least a woodpecker. I see why Messiaen loved the birds.


A Don’s Life: Opening Pompeii

I read this blog pretty regularly. The author reviews a new museum show in Great Britain of Pompeii artifacts.


How the Maker of TurboTax Fought Free, Simple Tax Filing – ProPublica

Eileen complains every year that there is a fee for filing online with the government.


It’s Personal –

Bill Keller talks about the reasons he supports legal abortion.


Ruth Prawer Jhabvala: “The Judge’s Will” : The New Yorker

Well written and interesting short story.


Israel’s Prisoner X Said to Have Exposed Spies –

I have been following this story. The man who died seems to have been incompetent.


Russian Authorities Raid Amnesty International Office –

This is a real difference between our country and countries where the state will show up and intimidate you.


Egyptian Women Blamed for Sexual Assaults –

Always easier to blame the victim no matter the culture. Inexcusable.


Money Dreaming | Adbusters Culturejammer Headquarters

Australian practice of dreaming oneself into reality applied nicely to money. Short thought provoking article. I found myself pondering the implications.


Biography of Dr. John C. Knapp | Hope College

New president of Hope College. I was surprised he wasn’t Reformed. Business ethics background. Presbyterian elder.


Yes, music helps your workout routine –

True or not I do like to treadmill with music playing.


2 thoughts on “paranoid much?

  1. I have a fear of deafness too. Last year the ear doctor told me the ringing in my ears was the start of some hearing loss, and the paranoid mental fantasies started having a field day. But I suppose you’re right, it’s just a function of being a musician. The Beethoven complex, or something like that, I suppose.

  2. My father had tinnitus as do I. I trace my hearing loss to being stupidly exposed to loud sounds in my rock and roll phase. No wonder you were attracted to the novel, An Equal Music, if you fear deafness. I thought it was a weakness of this book that Julia didn’t notice her ebbing hearing. I felt that any musician is aware of their ability (or lack of ability) to hear. But that might be my own paranoia.

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