dreams of a recovering church musician

I need to blog a bit and compose before I leave for work this morning. I had strange, disturbing rather wonderful dreams last night. Hard to explain, except that they led my morning musing and thinking in the dark about the fears of others.

I began to wonder if the reason some people keep me at a distance might be their own fear of intimacy. In my second wonderful dream last night I found myself embracing people. They responded guardedly but they did respond.

In my waking, I thought of specific people in my life right now and began to wonder if the vulnerability in intimacy made them uncomfortable.

When I was younger, I realized that I was the kind of person who “wears their heart on their sleeve.” I could move quickly into intimacy with people. I saw this as both an asset and a deficit and sought to control it but not change it in myself.

As I matured, I realized that my passion (and probably knowledge) put people off. The intensity blocked my ability to connect with people and I adjusted my expressions of this even as I grew more and more to value passion in all people.

Also in my second dream last night, I watched a bunch of 20 something people sitting on a couch watching videos on a screen. After each video they applauded. I was struck by how this weird this was. Later I asked them as a group why people clapped at movies.


Of course people don’t clap at movies, but that’s the phrase that came out.

In my first dream, Eileen and I somehow had accepted an invite to a compound where we would be  inundated with attempts to sell us on something. The music was new agey as we lay in our room.  On the wall to the right of the bed was a fantastic colorful intricate multi-level puppet show that was somehow demonstrating the product. Next to it was a large screen where more stories were being told about the product. Once in a while an actual person popped out of nowhere to join the fantastic story. I remember one goofy man clad in a blue suit like the god Mercury. He descended on rope from above and into the ongoing story and then made an exit.

Soon the room was full of people. Some of them were surreal in their get-up. One woman had a name tag which read something like “EVE no. 24.” She was sort of dressed like a nurse or a candy striper.

By this time, Eileen had disappeared. I was getting concerned and began searching for her. As I searched I looked behind walls and in other rooms and everything looked like a set for a movie.

This dream led me to think about how maybe people are not only afraid of intimacy. Maybe they fear reality.

Finally, in my morning reading, I discovered that William Carlos Williams recommended Ginsberg’s poem “Kaddish” to Thomas Merton. This was in a note to one of WCW’s poems. This brings together three people I admire and who have influenced me greatly.

There was a time when I was more concerned with my own spirituality that I read most of everything Thomas Merton wrote including several volumes of his personal journals.

I still admire him, but am grateful and relieved that my preoccupation with liturgical prayer has dampened a bit.

Ah…. the “recovering” church musician who keeps falling off the wagon.


Santorum’s Gospel of Inequality – NYTimes.com

This article surprised me by saying there are Democrats whose polls say Obama will easily take Michigan this year. I know this little western section of Michigan where I live is a unique area of Calvinism and  conservatism. But I do wonder if this is accurate.


For Women Under 30, Most Births Occur Outside Marriage – NYTimes.com

My how things change.  I know that my own attitude toward marriage in general is not very strong. On the other hand, I am very very glad that I am living with my wife.


Venezuelans Criticize Hugo Chávez’s Support of El Sistema – NYTimes.com

Interesting conundrum for people who support the arts but despise their leader.


Drones With an Eye on the Public Cleared to Fly – NYTimes.com

I find the use of drones, especially to kill people, chilling. It reminds me of the movie, “The End of Violence.”


Ji Chaozhu, Man on Mao’s Right, at Center of History – NYTimes.com

A fly on the wall of history.

I was glad the writer used Zelig as a metaphor and not Forrest Gump.


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