3:52 PM

It drives me crazy that I let stuff like college get to me.

A student accused me of being unfair today and it kept bugging me for the whole drive home.

And it bugs me that it bugs me. Ay yi yi.

I know part of my over reaction is that I am feeling guilty about deciding not demonstrate harpsichord for this class. I am cheating the class because I am disgusted with the department.

I feel like if I arrange for this class to have the extra benefit of a live demo of harpsichord, I am kind of a sap after the college has cut me back to one class and the chair has made it clear to me that I am too big for my britches, much less a colleague.

Another reason I have dropped the harpsichord demo is the class is so big. The room that the college’s harpsichord is in is very small (it’s a two teacher office). In the best of all possible worlds, I could ask the department to let me have the harpsichord moved to a larger room so I could demonstrate it. Or I could drag my harpsichord up and demonstrate it in the commons area right outside the auditorium in the music building.

Or I could just forget it.

So I think I’m just where can i buy cheap diazepam going to forget it. But I can’t help feeling guilty.

I came and composed a note that would rectify any misunderstanding of my classroom policies for people who think I am unfair. I didn’t post it yet.

Then I worked on preparing a score for rehearsal tonight. A million years ago (1981) I did a little canatata based on T.S. Eliot’s poem, “Ash Wednesday.” I wrote and performed this piece when I was working at a Presbyterian church in downtown Detroit. I haven’t thought too much about this piece since about 1984 when I copied over about half the score (don’t remember why… probably delusions of marketibily).

Anyway, lines from Eliot have been going through my mind quite a bit in the last few weeks:

Because I do not hope to turn again
Because I do not hope
Because I do not hope to turn
Desiring this man’s gift and that man’s scope
I no longer strive toward such things
(Why should the aged eagle stretch its wings?)….

And pray to God to have mercy upon us….

Teach us to care
And not to care
Teach us to sit still

from “Ash Wednesday” by T.S. Eliot

It seems to me that this is important for me. And if it’s important for me, why not do it during the Ash Wednesday service? Why not?

So we start rehearsing it tonight.

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