Although, I am definitely not as ill as I was, I’m still struggling towards normal. Yesterday I had a plunge in morale. One of the things I think about in my sixties is how my sensitivity (hyper sensitivity) has shaped my personality. I seem to walk through life exposed and vulnerable. I find myself weeping at perplexing things. Weeping at beauty, at sentimental stuff, weeping for reasons I can’t put into words.
The weeping is the physical part of an inner turmoil that is part of my daily life. I have worked at keeping this hidden. You know, boys aren’t supposed to cry kind of thing.
It occurs to me that this sensitivity has contributed to my own hyper self critical nature. I have wondered where that came from. I didn’t experience my family of origin as critical of me or ostracizing me. Quite the opposite really.
I do think this morass of emotion has driven me to improve my musical abilities and to create. Weird, eh? I guess we must befriend our demons.
So yesterday I felt insecure and depressed. Whippy skippy.
This morning a typical Sunday morning is a bit daunting after being in bed for a few days. Eileen helped me prepare at church yesterday by posting hymns for me. I sat at the organ and rehearsed the psalm and some of the hymns for today. I know it will go fine.
I timed the Philip Glass piano piece I am performing today twice. The tricky part for me is that the piece alternates sections with clearly marked tempos. I found that I have a tendency to think I am going too slow and end up rushing these. There was a difference of about two minutes between interpretations (4 minutes versus 6 minutes). This was helpful. I practiced the separate sections with the metronome. Tempos are tricky enough when the adrenaline is going much less when one is recovering from illness.
As always part of me is amused at the pains I take in my work when it seems so peripheral to all the humans in the room. Like Langston Hughes I live in books and also in the music.
I think I will be okay today.
Good-by mr. circumflex!
If you’re a word freak like me and you like Bob Garfield (OTM) you might like this podcast.